Nature vs Nuture

First of all I want to apologise for my recent absence, I have been having a bad time of it lately.

I have always been conflicted with the nature vs nurture argument because of my own situation. With my own children I always hope that nature has played a part and they take after me in some ways even though I have been deprived of the opportunity to nurture them. Whereas in my relationship with my own mother I get extremely frustrated when she tries to take credit for who I am, because apparently I get everything from her.

If my relationship with my mother was a happy one I wouldn’t mind but my mom choose to leave me at the age of 3 and NEVER tried to make any contact. When I was 22 I decided to track my mom down as I always felt part of me was missing. Now I am not a person who has regrets but this is one decision in my life I regret.

I had always dreamt that if I had my mom in my life, we would have the relationship I had always wanted, she would love me and we would do girlie things together. Unfortunately my dreams did not come true, as my mom has never apologised for walking out on me, nor offered any explanation as to why she never even wrote me a letter.

The mother I imagined throughout my childhood was not the one that I found. Instead I found a woman so self absorbed that if the conversation is not about her will ignore you or just talk over you until the topic is her, a woman who is quite happy to criticise me or put me down with snide comments, but also tries to take credit for my personality and my ways.

I have always believed, and been told by other I an very much like my grandmother (paternal), a woman who has loved and cared for me all my life and someone I have always looked up to and admired. My nan is very much a matriarch, as am I, she used to take me to the theatre as a child and she is very passionate about things she believes in. All these quality I believe I have got from her, the woman who has always loved me and been there for me, but according to my mother I got them all from her despite the fact she missed my childhood (and never took me to the theatre).

I apologise that this post is all over the place, hopefully as I write about my relationship with my mom I will start to understand it myself and find a way let go of the anger that is growing day by day.

 

Let there be hope

Well my youngest recently turned 14 years as he celebrated another birthday and I face the realisation that it has now been ten years since I saw my children as he was smiling, bubbly 4 year old last time we were together. On the actual day of his birthday I struggled to get through my day and could barely keep a hold of my emotions. But I am delighted by the fact that my brother who had been alienated from his children for 4 years had been reunited. I know its hard to believe that both me and my brother made such bad partner choices but I suspect that is down to the terrible experiences we both endured as children. The day after my youngest’s birthday I had an amazing surpirise, my brother bought his children to visit me. Once again I struggled to contain my emotions but I am so happy to say this time it was tears of joy. Despite the difficulties both the children and their dad have endured for so long they have already developed a great relationship. I now can look forward to being an aunt to these wonderful children and feel bless to have them back in mine and the rest of my families life and only hope their cousins will be able to come back to us in the not so distant future.

We still have hope!!!!!

What am I!

 As someone who has Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome I can so relate to this peom, but I also relate to it as a survivor of abuse. So much so I wanted to share it with others.

What Am I!
by DiAnna Fogle

Most times I’m tired, but sometimes I’m wired,
Most of the time I’m dizzy, so I try to keep busy.
My heart will race, so I concentrate hard to keep pace,
When my heart beats slow, I sometimes feel low
If I get too hot, I’ll collapse on the spot.
If I get to cold, just use a blanket I’m told.
Most days I hurt, and I’m not always alert
Today I can’t breathe; I’ll just continue to wheeze
When my body begins to shake, it won’t be long; I’ll begin to ache
I have pain in my chest, but may get better with rest
My muscles get weak, and some days I can barely speak
If I stand to long, everything will go wrong
Most nights I can’t sleep, most days I just want to weep
My glands may swell, and most days I don’t feel well

But each day that I wake and see the Sun, I realize another day I have begun
I know I will make it through this day,
With the strength of God I continue to pray
Lord Please make me strong, because in this world I know I belong
I have a life to live, and so much love to give,
I will continue to hold my head high, and every day I will always continue to try
To Live and Love and Fight and Strive
I am a POTS patient and I will SURVIVE

Live on and Be Strong
Peace and Love to All

Mother’s Day

Today is Mother’s Day here in the UK and as a mother alienated from her children it is not a day I celebrate. But unfortunately I cannot escape the celebrations as they are everywhere. So I am going to try and approach this day differently from this day forward.

Despite being alienated I am still a Mother to 3 wonderful children. I carried them, gave birth to them, and loved them with everything I had from the very first moment I held them in my arms. No matter how long I am parted from them the love I feel will never fade it will only grow stronger and stronger. As their mother I worry about them every day and wonder, are they OK? Are they happy? Are they being looked after properly? Do they miss me? The questions are endless but I never question my love for them.

One day I will no longer be an alienated mom but a mom with her family back, a mom sharing laughter with her children, a mother welcoming her grandchildren into the world, a mom sharing happy moments and making happy memories surrounded by those whom mean the world to me.

I cherish this dream.

I live in hope that one day soon this will no longer be a dream.

It will be reality.

Nobody asked why!!!!!

 

 

On Boxing Day 2002 my children stayed overnight with me and my new husband, who my children loved so much so that my middle child accidently called my new husband Dad. When I dropped them back at their Dad’s house they were happy, smiling and looking forward to coming to stay with me again. However over the 6 months that followed I never even got to speak to them on the phone, constantly being told by their Dad they don’t want to talk to me or see me. In the numerous court appearances that followed the Judge and Cafcas accepted my ex comments that my children don’t what to see me without question and just told me they cannot force the children to have contact with me.

Now bearing in mind that I only came across the term of Parental Alienation last year, during all my court battles I knew nothing about it. I have since studied literature on the subject and connected with other parents who have had similar experiences to learn all I can about Parental Alienation.

I always understood what the court was saying, of course they couldn’t ‘force’ my children to have contact with me but now with my new found knowledge it occurs to me that they could of and should of raised a simple question,

‘Why do these children, who have for many years enjoyed a healthy and happy relationship with their mother suddenly, and without explanation, wish to have no contact whatsoever with their mother?’

Please don’t judge me

I have accepted the fact that I need to leave my children alone to get on with their lives. I accept the fact that for my own sanity and health I need to leave me children alone. It doesn’t mean I love them any less, it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the pain of separation. So many people are quick to judge me because I am a mother without her children. I shouldn’t have to explain myself or justify me actions.

More needs to be done to make Parental Alienation more widely recognised hopefully then so many parents and children would be sparred the pain and heartache it causes and wouldn’t be judged.

Christmas, No Thanks!!!!

As Christmas gets closer and closer I am finding it harder to keep my emotions under control and the tears just keep coming. So many people are looking forward to the holidays and spending time with their families it is a painful reminder that I cannot do the same. On boxing day 2002 I got to have my children overnight for the last time since then I’ve even found putting a Christmas tree up hard so much so I don’t always bother. When I met my husband Christmas got a little easier because I had someone to spend it with and he has always been very supportive of my situation. Say that this Christmas seems to be one of the worst I’ve had so far and I’ve never felt so alone. I’m trying to be brave, I’m trying not to let others see my pain and I’ll keep trying, I will. 

Giving something back

Last night I joined many others in St Basils Big Sleep Out. A Charity that works with young homeless people and also help prevent homelessness. For those of you that are familiar with my story you may remember after my abusive relationship ended I was homeless at 22. I didn’t know who to turn to for help so just ended up on a path to self destruction. I am thankful that eventually I managed to find the right path and build a more positive future for myself. Last night as I struggled to construct a shelter out of a box and a sheet of plastic in a car park in Birmingham I still felt extremely fortunate. I had access to hots drinks and food, security was provided to ensure safety, I had money in my pocket and if I changed my mind I could just collect my stuff, load my car and head home to the warmth and comfort of my house and be with my family. The young people I did this for don’t have these options and without the help they receive from St Basils you do wonder where there path will take them. Last night was my first sleep out for St Basils and I don’t plan on it being my last. If anyone would like to add to my sponsorship total then please follow the attached link.

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoHetherington

Thanks Jo

Which is worse?????

Sorry I’ve been absent for a while I always feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster that never ends.

Despite the fact the I haven’t seen my children in so many years I have recently been able to get some information about how they are doing. I always used to hate the fact that I didn’t know how the were doing, if they were happy? Now I have got some information about 2 of them at least I am overwhelmed by new emotions. They seem to be doing ok but their hatred for me is extensive. Their Dad has always made out the what he is doing is in their best interests but how on earth can encouraging  such hatred in children be in their best interests???? I apologise if this makes no sense today but in all honesty my head is a mess!!!

I’d hate me too

Yesterday I found out some of the lies that have been fed to my children by the father. Some of them made me sick to my stomach. Now I understand why when they were interviewed for my final court hearing they told Cafcass that they hated me. I’m sure if I had been fed such lies by a parent that I loved and trusted I would feel they same as my children.
It also confirms what I have always feel about parental alienation that it is child abuse. My children have been made to believe that I abused them, that must cause them a great deal of distress thinking they have been abused. As a child abuse survivor myself I understand the long term psychological damage abuse can cause. The fact my children think I abused them destroys the hope I had that one day they will want to meet me because I know I never want to meet me abusers ever again.