startingmyjourney

August 30, 2011

Survivor Psalm

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 7:44 pm

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August 28, 2011

It goes so much further

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 9:30 pm

I have often spoke about how I have been affected by the ‘lose’ of my children but it is very important to remember that my children like many others have suffered a great injustice. They never get a chance to even speak for themselves so their voices go very much unheard. They are deprived form having a relationship with a loving and caring parent. They are quite often fed lie after lie from the person they should look up to and that should have their best interests at heart. They are encouraged to develop hate and resent for one of the people who gave them life. The impact on alienated children goes on and on something else that is often overlooked is they are deprived of a whole family network. So parental alienation goes much further than the parents and the children. I recently had to comfort one of my dearest relative, my grandmother, she has always keep hope that my children will re-enter her life but as she is now in her 80’s it upsets her a great deal that it will not happen within in her lifetime. My children have a whole family that I would love to share with them and I long for the day that we will all be reunited. I continue to live in hope!!!!!!

August 25, 2011

Finding the right path

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 7:49 pm

Following on from my previous post after years of self-destructive behaviour trying to ‘cope’ with the abused I suffered and the loss of my children I finally found my way.

I took sometime for myself, I sought professional help for my eating disorder and slowly began to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem.

It took several years and during this time I suffered many a set back. I had to continue my fight with the family court system to try to see my children which certainly didn’t help my mental state at times. A few years ago I felt strong enough to help others who have suffered abuse and changed my career to work in Social Care. I now work with young people who have suffered childhood abuse and self harm, I find the work very challenging and extremely rewarding but still I wanted to do more. I began looking into volunteering so I could support more victims and survivors, I decided to volunteer with a domestic abuse organisation.

Sometimes I feel like a cheat because it is not all about helping others, I find the work I do is very therapeutic for me as well.

I dearly hope my story can help inspire others and show no matter how many setbacks you may have you can make a difference.

August 11, 2011

Finding a way to ‘cope’

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 10:10 pm

Over the years I have always tried to find a way to ‘cope’ with my past abuse and losing my children I would like to share some of my darker moments and thoughts through some difficult times.

During my childhood I made very superficial attempts to cut my wrists, self harm was not a term that I’d ever heard of then, so I just referred to it as me being to weak to kill myself.

I tried running away but I think the idea of living on the streets and the dangers that lurked there scared me more than my stepmonster so I’d always go home.

Then I found something that ‘helped’ I developed a very unhealthy relationship with food. I would binge on chocolate until I was sick, after a while I began to purge, again I knew very little on eating disorders at that time. I didn’t take long for this ‘coping method’ began to lose its effect.

Alcohol – I thought I’d found my savior. Not only did it ‘ease’ my pain but it made me popular. I’d always wanted to be popular and to be liked. I went from being lonely and isolated to being confident (while intoxicated) and surrounded by ‘friends’.  But inevitably when I was in a dark place after I lost my children I turned to my old friend for comfort. I had reached a point where I no care about myself, I wanted to die but felt too much of a coward to end it all. Drinking seemed like a good solution, not only would it seem to numb my pain but I would wake up in some very vulnerable situations. I longed for the day when one of the very unsavoury people I encountered whilst drunk would take my life. 

Finally I had a sobering moment when I decided to choice to live.

I packed up a small bag and moved away from my home town, it was a hard thing for me to do as it also meant moving away from my children but I knew in order to reclaim my life I had to do it. My life had reached a crossroads and I decided to take the correct path.

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