September 13, 2011

It’s a small world

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 10:23 pm

I volunteer with a domestic violence organisation but before I started earlier this year I went to their open day. Before the presentation we got to do an ice breaker during this we had to spend a few minutes getting to know the person sitting next to you. I got on very well with the person sat next to me and after the open day we went for coffee with her friend, we all hit it off and decided to keep in touch. I have met up with both women again and was almost knocked off my feet when I found out that one of the women had a daughter the same age as my youngest child and they both went to the same school!!!!!

I had another lovely surprise the women’s daughter is now in the same class as my youngest.

Too many people this may seem really trivial but for a while I haven’t even known where my children live. Now I will know at least whether they are safe and happy. I may even be able to pass on a message to my children so at least they know I love them and miss them so very much.

It at least restores my hope that one day I might have my children back in my life.


September 10, 2011

Life on fast forward

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 9:25 pm

It seems that in order to function well I need to live life on fast forward, if I go any slower then thoughts, fears and memories haunt me. The only problem I find is that but going too fast for too long means I end up crashing and burning. It’s just a vicious circle!  How I long to be able to live my life at a regular pace without been haunted by my past. How nice it would be not to have to suffer the burn out that follows such high-speed. I am always been told to slow down, take a break and I so wish I could.

August 30, 2011

Survivor Psalm

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 7:44 pm

August 28, 2011

It goes so much further

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 9:30 pm

I have often spoke about how I have been affected by the ‘lose’ of my children but it is very important to remember that my children like many others have suffered a great injustice. They never get a chance to even speak for themselves so their voices go very much unheard. They are deprived form having a relationship with a loving and caring parent. They are quite often fed lie after lie from the person they should look up to and that should have their best interests at heart. They are encouraged to develop hate and resent for one of the people who gave them life. The impact on alienated children goes on and on something else that is often overlooked is they are deprived of a whole family network. So parental alienation goes much further than the parents and the children. I recently had to comfort one of my dearest relative, my grandmother, she has always keep hope that my children will re-enter her life but as she is now in her 80’s it upsets her a great deal that it will not happen within in her lifetime. My children have a whole family that I would love to share with them and I long for the day that we will all be reunited. I continue to live in hope!!!!!!

August 25, 2011

Finding the right path

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 7:49 pm

Following on from my previous post after years of self-destructive behaviour trying to ‘cope’ with the abused I suffered and the loss of my children I finally found my way.

I took sometime for myself, I sought professional help for my eating disorder and slowly began to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem.

It took several years and during this time I suffered many a set back. I had to continue my fight with the family court system to try to see my children which certainly didn’t help my mental state at times. A few years ago I felt strong enough to help others who have suffered abuse and changed my career to work in Social Care. I now work with young people who have suffered childhood abuse and self harm, I find the work very challenging and extremely rewarding but still I wanted to do more. I began looking into volunteering so I could support more victims and survivors, I decided to volunteer with a domestic abuse organisation.

Sometimes I feel like a cheat because it is not all about helping others, I find the work I do is very therapeutic for me as well.

I dearly hope my story can help inspire others and show no matter how many setbacks you may have you can make a difference.

August 11, 2011

Finding a way to ‘cope’

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 10:10 pm

Over the years I have always tried to find a way to ‘cope’ with my past abuse and losing my children I would like to share some of my darker moments and thoughts through some difficult times.

During my childhood I made very superficial attempts to cut my wrists, self harm was not a term that I’d ever heard of then, so I just referred to it as me being to weak to kill myself.

I tried running away but I think the idea of living on the streets and the dangers that lurked there scared me more than my stepmonster so I’d always go home.

Then I found something that ‘helped’ I developed a very unhealthy relationship with food. I would binge on chocolate until I was sick, after a while I began to purge, again I knew very little on eating disorders at that time. I didn’t take long for this ‘coping method’ began to lose its effect.

Alcohol – I thought I’d found my savior. Not only did it ‘ease’ my pain but it made me popular. I’d always wanted to be popular and to be liked. I went from being lonely and isolated to being confident (while intoxicated) and surrounded by ‘friends’.  But inevitably when I was in a dark place after I lost my children I turned to my old friend for comfort. I had reached a point where I no care about myself, I wanted to die but felt too much of a coward to end it all. Drinking seemed like a good solution, not only would it seem to numb my pain but I would wake up in some very vulnerable situations. I longed for the day when one of the very unsavoury people I encountered whilst drunk would take my life. 

Finally I had a sobering moment when I decided to choice to live.

I packed up a small bag and moved away from my home town, it was a hard thing for me to do as it also meant moving away from my children but I knew in order to reclaim my life I had to do it. My life had reached a crossroads and I decided to take the correct path.

July 18, 2011

Can I skip tomorrow please

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 9:56 pm

Tomorrow should be a day for celebration.

Tomorrow should be a day for giving gifts.

Tomorrow should be a day when I get to be with my children.

Tomorrow will be the day my 2nd child turns 15.

Instead I want to skip tomorrow, I don’t want to go through another birthday where I’m not there to celebrate with my children.

Another day filled with the pain my ex has left my with.

Another day where part of me is missing.

Another day where people don’t know what to say to me. They are afraid to mention it for fear they might upset me. Will they ever realise that nothing they say or do not say can ever cause me anymore pain than I already feel.



July 11, 2011

It feels good to help others

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 7:00 pm

In March I began training to be a volunteer with a Domestic Abuse Organisation. To start with I would be working on their helpline then I would be given the opportunity to apply for other post in the organisations such as working in refuge, outreach or even courts. A couple of weeks ago I got to start on helpline but only as an observer, this gives volunteers a chance to hear how others take calls from women needing support.

Today I decided I was ready to take calls myself and as soon as a call came through I was terrified.

‘What if I say the wrong thing?’

‘What if I give the wrong advice?’

‘What if I just don’t know what to say?’

I felt a huge sign of relief when it turned out to be just a general enquire rather than a helpline call. But it wasn’t long until I had another call, a helpline call. Almost instantly all my nerves eased and I got on with the call. I have come away from my shift today feeling so fulfilled. Now every week I’ve been stuck in rush hour traffic trying to get home after my shift and getting really annoyed at other drivers cutting me up or using the wrong lanes to get to the front of the queue but today I was calm, relaxed even. Rush hour traffic was as bad if not worse today but it didn’t bother me, I just felt so tranquil and uplifted!

I am looking forward to my next shift, I know it will be tough sometimes as the nature of the calls can be upsetting but I look forward to being there and listening to women in need and hopefully doing what I can to getting them the support they need.

However anyone who is interested in doing something similar I would suggest that you take care of yourself first as some of the stories can be a little to familiar and it wouldn’t do you or whoever you are trying to help any good if their story triggers you.

June 27, 2011

Taking a leap

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 11:23 am

Yesterday I abseiled from the roof of a hotel to raise money for the Alzheimer’s Society.

I chose this charity as a way of saying thank you to them for the help and support they gave me and my family during my grandad’s illness.

All through the trauma of my past my Grandparents have always been there for me. They never knew about the abuse in my childhood and tried very hard to protect me from my ex. After I lost my children I hit rock bottom and they still tried to help me but I felt like I didn’t deserve their help and I felt that I was a complete disappointment to them.

I was lucky, I managed to rebuild my life and improve my relationship with my Grandparents over the years then my Grandad was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. Now it was my turn to be there for them. My Nan became my grandad’s main carer and I did what I could to help and support her as well as my Grandad. I put them in touch with the Alzheimer’s Society and they were a great support, offering my Grandparents a chance to get out and socialise, something that due to my Grandad’s confusion and aggression was not always easy. Now don’t get me wrong my Grandad was a very gentle man, but those that know about Dementia will know part of the condition can be aggressive behaviour.

It was a heartbreaking time when on 17th May 2010 my Grandad passed away. Grief can be so confusing as at times I almost felt relieved that not only was my Grandad no longer suffering but my family were no longer suffering from the heartache that Dementia causes loved ones. I can still remember that last words my Grandad spoke to me although he thought I was his wife and his wife (my Nan) was his mother. Laying in his hospital bed he reached over, took hold of my hand and said ‘Goodnight sweetheart, I’ll see you in the morning’ The following morning the hospital called to inform us that my Grandad had passed away in the early hours.

I still miss him and will continue to do my best to make him proud of me, even though I know he already was proud of me. Each year I will take part in the Alzheimer’s Society Memory Walk in my Grandad’s memory.

My abseil was for me, to overcome my fear of heights.

My Grandad, to keep his memory alive and

for other people and their families who are trying to deal with the heartache of Dementia.

Thank you to all that support me, encouraged me and sponsored me and a very special thank you to the Alzheimer’s Society for everything they do.

So far I’ve raised £135 from this event 🙂


June 22, 2011

It’s the small things!!!

Filed under: Now Surviving — by alifefullofspice @ 9:57 pm

Now I know this is going to sound so silly and trivial but for me as an abuse survivor it was a massive achievement.

I stopped for lunch whilst house hunting with my husband and ordered a steak. I like my steak cooked medium-rare but the chef had over cooked it and it resembled the sole of a shoe. Now whenever I have had a problem with a meal I have always stayed quiet, tried to just grin and bear it and eat it anyway, or I would just leave it making an excuse that I was no longer hungry if I was questioned  why I hadn’t eaten my meal. This was always how I’d handled things throughout my life to just shut up, accept my fate and let people walk all over me.

But today, well today was a turning point. I decided that things were going to change. So I put down my cutlery, got the attention of the waitress and politely told her what the problem was with my meal. She was very apologetic and returned the steak to the kitchen to arrange for a fresh meal to be cooked for me.

This experience has boosted my confidence so hopefully I will never have to eat a below par meal or suffer bad customer service again without having the confidence to challenge it. I am now looking forward to more meals out and enjoying them!!!!

This childhood abuse victim, sexual abuse victim and domestic abuse victim has taken a further step on the journey to becoming a thriver and I am so proud of myself for that!!!!

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