Am I angry at the wrong person?

After my mother left when I was very young my Dad remarried. My Stepmom had come out of an abusive relationship and seemed like a very nice person. The nice lady my Dad married began to change, she had gone from a victim to a survivor then an abuser!!!!

At her hands I suffered numerous beatings that happen throughout the 10 years she was married to my Dad. She would say she beat me because she was frustrated with my Dad for being so weak and not beating me himself as I was his child, logic I still can’t figure out! I would be force-fed when I didn’t like the food then made to go without food as a punishment. Food would be locked away to make sure I didn’t get any. I was constantly neglected while my step sister’s could do no wrong and would get everything. I tried to runaway and slept a night under a bridge in a local park. The next morning was cold, hungry and didn’t know where to go so I went home. No one had noticed I had even left, I felt like the invisible child!

When I was 15 my step sister was pregnant and her boyfriend moved into our home. One evening he sexually abused me, I was so scared I didn’t know who to turn to so I just wrote a note. My step sister found the note and told my step mom. I don’t know what reaction to expect but I’m still haunted by the words my step mom said ‘Well his girlfriend is pregnant so he’s got to get it somewhere’ I didn’t talk about it again for sometime, and the boyfriend remained living in our house.

Why am I not angry at the boyfriend for sexually assaulting me????

I feel a lot of anger towards my Stepmom for the years of abuse and her reaction to the sexual abuse. Something I still cannot understand is how she became my abuser having suffered herself?  Should I empathise with her instead of blame her? It’s all to confusing!